Rapport — Full 4-MAT Presentation Script

Presenter: Dustin Total Time: 20 minutes Has Demo: No

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1. WHY — Motivation (~7 min / 35%)

Goal: Build motivation. Why does rapport matter? What would your life look like if you could connect with anyone, anywhere, at any time? Pull them in emotionally before teaching anything.

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Have you ever wanted to get inside someone's head? I mean really get inside their head and understand their model of the world?

"If you're a coach, that should be your obsession. You should want to get inside their model of reality, because the more you can understand about their model of reality, the faster you can help them."

Think about this -- one of the major things that master communicators have always had is the ability to get into rapport with their audience. Whether it's communicating one-on-one, with groups of people, in business, education, or therapy -- rapport is a very, very important part of the process.

But here's the thing most people miss: rapport isn't just some vague concept where you "click" with someone. NLP gives us something the world didn't really have before -- rapport as a process. A series of steps you can learn, practice, and use to consciously create connection at the unconscious level.

"One of the great offerings that NLP gives to the world is the process-izing, if you will, of many of the things we've taken for granted. Like -- how do you actually establish the state of rapport? How do you actually get into that state where your communication is being accepted uncritically by the person with whom you're communicating?"

So why should you care? Let me put it this way:

"How would you like to be able to communicate anything to anybody at any time, regardless of the content?"

That's what rapport gives you. In therapy, it means your clients will accept your suggestions, accept your tasking, accept your techniques. In business, it means you can take down the barriers between you and the person you're serving so they can really understand the benefits of what you're communicating. In coaching, it means you can get results faster and with less effort.

Let me share a quick story. Gina travels a lot for work and goes to hotel rooms all the time. After being on her feet all day -- and if you've been to any of her talks, you know she wears wicked awesome shoes and stilettos -- at the end of the day, her feet ache. So what she really likes to have at the hotel is a bathtub.

"I remember one time I was at a hotel and they said, 'We don't have any bathtubs.' And I was like, oh, in my head thinking, I really want a bathtub. So all I did was match and mirror the reception agent and start to connect with her and ask some questions. I just matched and mirrored her for a few minutes, and then asked a question: 'Are you sure there isn't anything you could do to help me get a bathtub? I'd be most grateful.' And she looked at her screen one more time and said, 'You know what?' -- she leaned forward and kind of whispered to me -- 'I'm gonna upgrade you to a suite, because all of our suites have bathtubs.' And that was a win-win, because it doesn't really make a difference to the hotel what room I stay in."

That's what rapport can do in everyday life. And that's just a bathtub. Imagine what it does for your coaching, your sales, your leadership.

Here is another powerful illustration. Imagine you fly to France. You land, it's a night flight, you didn't sleep enough, and you go in search of the first coffee shop. The person in front of you is trying to order coffee and they say, "Can I please get a coffee, sir?" And the guy behind the bar goes -- nothing. He's French. He doesn't respond. So the person gets louder: "Can I PLEASE have a COFFEE?" The barista is getting miffed. So you push this person aside and in whatever croaky voice you've got, you say: "Je voudrais un cafe, s'il vous plait, monsieur." And the guy hands you a coffee. Why?

"Because it's more effective when you whisper in someone else's language than when you shout in your own."

That is the essence of rapport. As a coach, as a leader, as a communicator -- you need to be able to determine the language of your client, determine their model of the world, and do that rapidly so you can get results faster and with less effort.

And I want to be honest with you -- this is going to feel a little contrived at first. You might feel nervous that someone's going to find you out. That's not unusual. Don't worry about it. The way you get comfortable is that you practice, practice, practice, and eventually you'll be able to do it completely unobtrusively.

"Rapport is absolutely essential in everything that you do, not just for practicing NLP, but for doing all the things you do in your daily life."

Without rapport, nothing else in NLP works. It is the foundation.

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2. WHAT — Information (~4.5 min / 22%)

Goal: Teach the concepts -- definitions, theory, background. What rapport IS. Do NOT explain how-to steps or exercises here.

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So what is rapport?

In hypnosis, rapport means the state where the subject accepts suggestions uncritically from the hypnotherapist. But in NLP, we talk about rapport as a process.

"Rapport is a nominalization -- it's a process word that's been frozen in time so that we can use it in a sentence like a noun. But you can't put rapport in a wheelbarrow. It's not a person, place, or thing. What NLP does is turn it back into a series of steps, and in those series of steps, you learn how to gain rapport."

At its core, rapport is a process of responsiveness. It's establishing an unconscious common ground where the other person's unconscious mind looks across and says, "This person is just like me."

The Theory Behind It

The NLP theory of rapport is based on a study originally done in 1970 at the University of Pennsylvania by Robert Birdwhistell, called Kinetics and Communication. Birdwhistell discovered that in communication:

• 7% is the actual words we use
• 38% is communicated by vocal quality
• 55% is communicated by physiology

This is often called the 7-38-55 rule. Most people think their words are really important -- and they are -- but what matters most is whether the words are congruent with the vocal quality and the physiology.

"The fact is that 93% of what we communicate is unconscious and communicated unconsciously to the unconscious mind."

So how do you begin to consciously establish rapport with someone at the unconscious level? The answer: you become like them.

"It's a known fact that when people are like each other, they like each other."

There are three channels for building rapport, and they correspond to those communication percentages:

1. Physiology (55%) -- This is the biggest chunk and the easiest way to get rapport. You match or mirror their body language: posture, gestures, facial expressions, head tilt, breathing, blinking. One of the most powerful ways to match a person physiologically is to match their breathing.

2. Vocal Quality (38%) -- You match their tone, tempo, timbre, and volume. If you can learn to gain rapport with vocal quality, you can do rapport over the telephone. This is extremely effective in customer service and sales.

3. Words (7%) -- This includes matching representational system language. People tend to favor one sensory system -- visual, auditory, kinesthetic, or auditory digital -- and it shows up in the words they use. Visual people say "see, look, appears." Auditory people say "hear, sounds, resonates." Kinesthetic people say "feel, grasp, handle." When you use their words back to them, you're speaking their language.

Now, the two key processes are matching and mirroring:

• Mirroring is like looking in a mirror -- if they raise their right hand, you raise your left hand.
• Matching is doing the exact same thing -- if they raise their right hand, you raise your right hand.

There is also crossover mirroring -- mirroring a portion of their physiology with a different part of your body. For example, matching someone's breathing rate with the movement of your hand, or matching someone's foot-tapping rhythm by tapping your temple with your finger. Milton Erickson, who had polio and couldn't fully match a person's body, was a master of crossover mirroring.

The Four Indicators of Rapport

How do you know you've achieved rapport? There are four indicators:

1. An internal feeling -- You feel something in your body, maybe butterflies or a warmth, that tells you something has connected.
2. A color change -- Usually starting from the neck up. The other person may begin to blush or you notice a shift in their skin color.
3. A verbal acknowledgment (optional) -- The person might say something like "I feel like we've met before" or "You remind me of my sister."
4. Leading -- This is the definitive test. Once you have rapport, if you shift position, they follow. If you uncross your legs, they uncross theirs. If you can lead, you have rapport.

They don't all have to be present. Any one indicates rapport. All four indicate strong rapport.

One Important Note on Intention

"Rapport is neither good, bad, right, nor wrong. It just is. It's a technique. The difference is that whatever intention you bring to the relationships determines whether the techniques are used for good or for not so good."

If your intention is positive, if you have ecology and the best outcome in mind, then rapport is not manipulation. It's a technique that breaks down the barriers between you and the client so you can get the work done they came to see you for in the first place.

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3. HOW — Exercise (~3.5 min / 18%)

Goal: Walk through the exercise instructions step by step. Rapport has NO demo, so no "demo goes here" placeholder.

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Alright, so now you know what rapport is and why it matters. Let's put it into practice with some exercises.

Exercise 1: Body Language Rapport

Setup:

• Groups of 2
• About 5 minutes per person, then switch roles
• Total exercise time: approximately 10-12 minutes

Steps:

Step 1 -- Sit facing your partner. One person is the "lead" (they just talk and behave naturally), and the other person is the "rapport builder."

Step 2 -- Match and mirror their physiology. The rapport builder begins to subtly adopt the other person's body language:

• Are they leaning left or right?
• Are they sitting back in their chair or at the front?
• Are their legs crossed? Which way?
• What are their gestures like?
• What is their facial expression, head tilt?
• Match their breathing -- when they speak, they're breathing out; when they pause, breathe in with them

Remember: be subtle. Stay under the radar. You're doing this outside of their conscious awareness.

"If the person is making big expansive gestures with their hands, I might be expansive, but not quite as overtly obvious as the person who's speaking."

Step 3 -- Notice the indicators of rapport. Watch for the internal feeling, a color change, any verbal acknowledgment, and test for leading -- shift your position slightly and see if they follow.

Step 4 -- Switch roles and repeat.

Exercise 2: Voice Rapport and Commands as Questions

Setup:

• Same groups of 2
• About 3-4 minutes per person
• Total exercise time: approximately 8 minutes

Steps:

Step 1 -- Match vocal quality. As your partner speaks, begin matching their tone (pitch), tempo (speed), timbre (quality -- raspy vs. smooth), and volume (loudness). Remember:

• Match relative tonality -- if they're low-pitched for their voice type, go to the low end of your range
• If they talk slowly, slow down; if they talk fast, speed up
• Match the quality and loudness without being a caricature

Step 2 -- Practice commands as questions. This is a key voice syntax skill. There are three vocal patterns:

• A question -- the pitch rises at the end: "Would you like to buy this?"
• A statement -- monotone, flat: "The sky is blue."
• A command -- the pitch drops at the end: "Close the door."

Now practice saying this phrase with a command tonality (pitch drops) even though the words are a question:

"Would you like to buy this?"

Say it back and forth with your partner. Copy the tone, tempo, timbre, and volume exactly. Practice until the command tonality feels natural on a question syntax.

Step 3 -- Switch roles and repeat.

Exercise 3: Representational Systems / Word Rapport

Setup:

• Same groups of 2
• About 3-4 minutes per person
• Total exercise time: approximately 8 minutes

Steps:

Step 1 -- Take the Rep Systems Preference Test from your handout. Score it quickly -- remember, you'll likely score high on auditory digital because business teaches us to be digital. Unless you're truly a Raymond Holt or Sheldon Cooper, your next highest score is probably your primary rep system.

Step 2 -- Practice speaking in each rep system. With your partner, try delivering the same message four different ways:

• Visual: "If I could show you a way to get your results faster, you'd at least want to look at that option, wouldn't you? If that looks good to you, let's see about getting started."
• Auditory: "If I could have you resonate with an idea to get your results faster, you'd at least want to hear about that, wouldn't you? If it sounds good to you, let's listen to the ways we can get this going."
• Kinesthetic: "If I could get you to grasp a way to get your results faster, you'd at least want to get a handle on that, wouldn't you? If it feels good to you, let's handle the logistics."
• Auditory Digital: "If I could get you to understand the process by which you achieve your goals faster, you'd at least want to understand more about it, wouldn't you? If you think this is good, let's get the process started."

Step 3 -- Real conversation practice. Have your partner speak naturally for a minute. Listen for their rep system words. Then respond using their rep system language back to them.

Step 4 -- Switch roles and repeat.

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Practice Assignment:

"If I were you, my goal would be to walk into an office, literally sit down, and gain rapport with someone without being noticed, in a matter of moments. Just walk in, sit down, assume the physiology, copy their vocal qualities, match some of their words, and notice that at the end of this, you will be connected by one of the four indicators of rapport."

Practice this in real life -- with a barista, a colleague, a friend. Make it your daily practice until it becomes second nature.

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4. WHAT IF — Future Pace (~5 min / 25%)

Goal: Self-discovery. Let them teach themselves and each other. Three key questions.

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Alright, so let's bring it all together and open this up.

Before I ask the three questions, I want to leave you with something important.

"A leader takes people where they want to go, but a great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go, but they ought to go. And the coach that can get inside the model of reality and appreciate it for where it's at and take it for where it needs to go is a very, very valuable coach -- just like you, aren't you?"

Rapport is how you get there. It is how you create the connection that allows you to lead. Without it, you're just shouting in your own language. With it, you're whispering in theirs.

A few practical things to keep in mind going forward:

On the question of manipulation --

"NLP is just a group of techniques. The techniques in and of themselves are neither good, bad, right, nor wrong. And it's really intention that determines whether these techniques are being used for highest good or not."

If you believe in what you're doing, if you believe the client needs what you have, then it's your job to take down the barriers. That's not manipulation. That's service.

On breaking rapport accidentally -- be aware of these common mistakes:

• Pulling out your phone while someone is talking to you. That is the fastest way to break rapport. Most people think it's perfectly acceptable. It's not.
• Using the word "understand" -- as in "I understand." You can't truly understand someone else's model of reality. The chance that you and they have the same model of reality is infinitesimal. So delete the word "understand" when talking to another human about their experience.
• Using the word "but" -- "but" means stop listening to me. It divides the sentence instead of joining it.

Instead, use the Agreement Frame:

"Instead of saying 'I understand, but here's my point of view' -- which is literally a disaster -- choose one of three phrases: 'I agree with you,' if you agree with them. 'I respect your situation,' if you respect it. Or 'I appreciate where you're coming from.' And instead of 'but,' use 'and.' And is a conjunction -- it joins. But divides. Stop doing it."

So: "I respect your situation, and have you thought of this?"

Now -- the three questions:

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1. What questions do you have?

(Take questions from the audience. Address anything that came up during the teaching or exercises. Common questions might include: "What if two people are trying to do rapport at the same time?" -- The answer is that if two people are both trying to create connection, connection is inevitable. It becomes a shared experience that actually creates rapport. "What about doing rapport with groups?" -- In a group setting, you can create a rapport plan: "I'll get rapport with the person across from me, you get rapport with the person across from you, and on my signal, we'll switch.")

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2. What did you learn?

(Invite 2-3 people to share their biggest takeaway or aha moment. Encourage them to articulate what shifted for them.)

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3. What do I need to know?

(This is their chance to tell you anything -- what worked, what didn't, what they're still unclear on. This helps you as a trainer understand where they are and what needs reinforcement.)

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Metaphor Suggestions

The 5 metaphors (10 min total, ~2 min each) are delivered separately from the 20-min presentation. Below are metaphors and stories drawn from the source material that Hana could adapt, plus notes for developing personal ones.

From the Source Material:

1. The Hotel Bathtub Story -- Gina matches and mirrors a hotel reception agent for a few minutes, then asks about a bathtub. The agent upgrades her to a suite. Lesson: rapport creates win-win outcomes in everyday situations. A great demonstration that this isn't just a therapy tool -- it works everywhere.

2. The France Coffee Shop Story -- Ordering coffee in France by speaking French, even badly, versus shouting louder in English. "It's more effective when you whisper in someone else's language than when you shout in your own." Lesson: flexibility of behavior and meeting people in their model of reality.

3. Conrad Leitner's Breathing Technique -- The famous hypnotist who said "The most important thing I do in my stage show is get my audience to breathe in unison with me." He would raise his arms and the audience would breathe in with him -- crossover mirroring on a grand scale. Lesson: rapport can work with one person or a thousand.

4. The Phone Alarm Interruption -- During the actual recording, Gina's phone alarm goes off and she uses it as a teaching moment about breaking rapport. "Notice how it shocked you out of being connected to this audio." Lesson: rapport is fragile; even small interruptions can break it, and awareness of that is the first step.

5. Erickson's Crossover Mirroring -- Milton Erickson, who had polio and couldn't physically match his clients, would match their breathing with his finger. Even with severe physical limitations, he could create profound rapport. Lesson: you don't need to do all of it -- you just need to do some of it, and do it well.

Personal Metaphors for Hana to Develop:

6. (Personal story about a time you used rapport to connect with someone unexpected -- maybe across a cultural or language barrier)

7. (Personal story about a time you accidentally broke rapport and felt it -- and what you did to recover)

Tip from Gina's prep pack: Keep metaphors short and positive. Draw from: stories you regularly tell, standout life events, travel experiences, meetings with remarkable people. Fact, fiction, or fantasy -- just keep them positive.

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Key Quotes Reference

Quick-reference quotes from the transcript that Hana can weave in naturally during delivery:

Quote	Use In
"How would you like to be able to communicate anything to anybody at any time, regardless of the content?"	WHY section -- motivation
"It's more effective when you whisper in someone else's language than when you shout in your own."	WHY section or Future Pace
"When people are like each other, they like each other."	WHAT section -- core principle
"93% of what we communicate is unconscious."	WHAT section -- theory
"Rapport is neither good, bad, right, nor wrong. It just is."	WHAT IF section -- addressing manipulation concern
"The person or system with the most flexibility of behavior will control the system."	WHY or WHAT IF -- NLP presupposition
"Delete the word 'understand' when you're talking to another human being."	WHAT IF -- agreement frame
"A leader takes people where they want to go, but a great leader takes people where they don't necessarily want to go, but they ought to go."	WHAT IF -- closing

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Timing Summary

Section	Target	Key Content
WHY -- Motivation	~7 min (35%)	Why rapport is foundation of all NLP; hotel bathtub story; France coffee story; "whisper in their language"; motivation to practice
WHAT -- Information	~4.5 min (22%)	Definition (nominalization to process); Birdwhistell 7-38-55 rule; three channels (physiology, vocal quality, words); matching vs. mirroring vs. crossover mirroring; four indicators of rapport; intention and ethics
HOW -- Exercise	~3.5 min (18%)	Exercise 1: body language rapport (pairs, 10-12 min); Exercise 2: voice rapport and commands as questions (pairs, 8 min); Exercise 3: rep systems word rapport (pairs, 8 min); practice assignment
WHAT IF -- Future Pace	~5 min (25%)	Agreement frame (agree/respect/appreciate + "and"); breaking rapport accidentally; three questions: What questions? What did you learn? What do I need to know?
Total	~20 min

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Notes for Hana

• No demo for this presentation. The exercises themselves are the hands-on component.
• The three exercises can be combined -- for example, in Exercise 1, partners can also practice vocal matching and word matching simultaneously once they're comfortable with physiology.
• Remember the NLP presupposition that anchors this entire topic: The person or system with the most flexibility of behavior will control the system. Rapport IS flexibility of behavior.
• When addressing the "manipulation" concern (it will come up), lean into Gina's framing: intention determines whether the technique is used for good. If you believe in what you're doing and the client needs what you have, breaking down barriers is service, not manipulation.
• The Agreement Frame (agree/respect/appreciate + "and" instead of "understand" + "but") is a concrete, immediately usable takeaway. Make sure it lands clearly.